Mental health
How To Help A Friend Who's Lost Motivation
Checking in with a mate can be the first step to helping them find their way back.
We all have those days when we can't be bothered doing much. Fair enough, everyone needs a slow one now and then. But there's a big difference between the occasional day spent bingeing Netflix and feeling flat and unmotivated as a way of life.
If a friend seems to have lost their spark, low on energy and not interested in much at all, it could be a sign of something bigger, like depression.
Trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want to help themselves can be frustrating. But an unmotivated friend needs your support more than ever. Here's how to show up for them.
Look out for the signs
Big life events like losing a job, going through a break up or facing a personal crisis can leave anyone feeling helpless and unmotivated. When someone feels like they've lost control of their situation, it's easy for them to think, ‘why bother trying if nothing changes?’
This is exactly when your friend needs you paying attention. Part of being a good mate is noticing when someone needs more than you can offer on your own. Keep an eye out for common signs of depression, including:
- Changes in weight or appetite
- Feeling tired all the time
- Pulling away from friends and family
- Losing interest in things they'd normally enjoy
- Changes to sleep, sleeping too much or too little
- Feeling sad, flat, angry or on edge most of the time
It's great that you want to help your friend yourself, but if depression or another mental health problem is at play, they might need extra support from a doctor or therapist too. That doesn't mean your friendship stops mattering. Far from it. There's still plenty you can do to make a real difference.
How you can help
Be accepting
When someone's dealing with anxiety or depression, they can be so overwhelmed that there's not much energy left over for anything else. Work, parenting, looking after their physical health. Your friendship might slip down the list too, and that's not a reflection of how much they value it.
Try not to take a lack of effort personally. Instead, accept that it's likely a side effect of whatever they're going through right now. Show your friend you accept them as they are. Don't pile on the pressure, and let them know it's genuinely fine if they're not up for catching up.
Be encouraging
Accepting your friend's low motivation doesn't mean leaving them off the invite list. That would be rough. Keep them in the loop about what's going on and suggest things you could do together. Even if they say no most of the time, it still matters that they have the option.
Making decisions can feel like a mountain to climb when someone's experiencing depression, so take some of that load off. Suggest a time and place rather than asking open ended questions, and invite them to do something fun with you.
Set up a regular activity
Whether it's a weekly surf, a standing Tuesday night gaming session, or volunteering at the local animal shelter, try to get your friend to commit to something with you. It gives them a reason to look forward to something (hanging out with you, obviously) and a new hobby to sink into.
Help them look ahead
Dwelling on things they can't change can add to a friend's sense of helplessness. Instead, remind them of what's coming up that they can look forward to. Helping your friend take a future focused view can genuinely shift their mood.
It also helps to get creative together. This can pull someone out of a helpless mindset and get them focused on what they can actually control. For example, you might suggest they talk to their boss about flexible hours so they can spend more time with the kids.
A regular catch up, even a quick one, can be exactly what a friend needs.
What if they pull away?
If your efforts to support an unmotivated friend lead to them withdrawing further, they might just need a bit of space. Don't give up on them. It might just be time to change your approach.
Remember, you're a sounding board, not a therapist. You don't need to solve your friend's problems or tell them how to get their act together. Hanging out with you should feel like a safe space where they can talk openly about what's going on. Come at it from this angle and there'll be less pressure on them to change. It'll also help you avoid coming across as judgy or pushy, even if that's the last thing you intend.
Helping a man who's struggling with their mental health
Most of us aren't exactly rushing to discuss uncomfortable stuff. You may have noticed. Mental health definitely falls into that category. Here are a few common hurdles guys tend to run into when talking with a struggling friend, mostly because it feels awkward.
Talking about depression
“How're the kids?”
“Yeah, not bad.”
“Good one. And how's the depression going?”
Not exactly a chat you'd have with a friend , right? We tend to avoid speaking openly about mental health struggles because it can feel embarrassing or awkward for everyone involved. But you're allowed to name the elephant in the room. Particularly if you're worried your friend might be having suicidal thoughts, it's crucial to be direct and talk about it.
Getting men to open up
Guys need to talk more. There, we said it. Opening up and getting real is healthy, and it benefits everyone involved. It can help a friendship grow stronger and give you both permission to be more genuine with each other.
If your friend struggles to get real, open questions can help. Try something like, “I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, what's been going on for you?”
Being vulnerable yourself
Some men think that showing emotion or admitting they're struggling is a sign of weakness. That's rubbish. Level the playing field by sharing your own day to day struggles. This shows your friend that opening up is normal and healthy. Show a bit of vulnerability and they'll often follow your lead. And if being vulnerable feels scary, know that doing it anyway is a genuine act of courage.
Suggesting help
If you think your friend needs professional support for their low motivation or depression, it can feel awkward to bring up. But it might be something they haven't even considered yet. Ask if they've been talking to anyone, and offer to help them find a good therapist if you're comfortable doing so. Maybe you know someone already. If not, help them search online for a therapist who suits them, or encourage them to reach out to their local doctor. A doctor can point them in the right direction.
How to set up regular check ins
Managing depression or low motivation isn't a one-off conversation, it's an ongoing process. That's why regular check ins matter. Here's how to make them work:
Pick something that suits them
Some people prefer a specific activity together, others would rather a quick five-minute phone call over lunch. Follow their lead.
Lock in a time and place
Don't leave things hanging. Make a definite plan, then follow through on it.
Keep it light where you can
Do something you both enjoy, or bring plenty of encouragement and laughter to the conversation. That way you'll both walk away having had a good time, and you'll want to do it again.
Supporting an unmotivated friend can be tough, especially when they don't seem to want help or to engage with life. But whether they're going through a rough patch or dealing with an ongoing mental health problem, showing up for them will do a world of good.
If you're worried about someone's safety
If a friend talks about hurting themselves or ending their life, even if it seems offhand, take it seriously. Contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.
Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.
