How to Help a Friend Who's Withdrawing

At first you might just be annoyed (especially if he's missed out on some genuinely brilliant memes). But if it keeps happening, it's worth paying attention.

There are plenty of reasons someone goes quiet. He might be flat out at work, run down and burnt out, or he's just lost his phone again. But withdrawing from the people around him is also one of the earliest signs that something bigger is going on. If you're worried about a friend, here's how to reach him.

Signs someone might be struggling or starting to withdraw

Keep an eye out for things like:

• Making negative or self-critical comments.
• Cutting conversations short or making excuses to leave.
• Laughing off serious stuff, like losing a job or running out of money.
• Low energy or motivation.
• Seeming frustrated, angry or on edge.
• Just not being himself.
• Avoiding friends, family and things he'd normally do.
• Drinking or using drugs more than usual.

Any one of these can be a sign he's not doing great, even if he'd never say so outright.

Plenty of guys find it hard to admit they're struggling. Putting on a brave face feels easier than opening up. But having a real conversation, and showing him you've noticed, can genuinely lift his mood. Letting him know you see what he's going through helps him feel supported and makes him less likely to keep pulling away.

What to say to someone who's withdrawing

Talking to a friend who's full of negative talk, or who just doesn't seem up for a chat, can be hard. Have the conversation anyway. Simply knowing you're there can carry more weight than you think.

Ask open-ended questions

Skip the “how are you?” that gets a one-word answer and nothing else. Try something like “what have your days looked like lately?”. Questions like this need more than a yes or no, and they'll get him talking about his life and how he's actually feeling.

Share your own struggles

A lot of guys feel embarrassed admitting how they really feel. They don't want to bring the mood down, or worry you'll judge them. Show him it's okay to be honest by going first.

Something as simple as “I've been finding things tough lately too, how about you?” opens the door and gives him permission to talk freely.

Suggest support

Ask if he's spoken to anyone about how he's feeling. The word “therapy” can put some guys on edge, so help normalise it. Seeing a therapist isn't only for people in crisis, it's for anyone who wants some help sorting through what's going on.

Share your own experience if you've got one, or mention someone you've heard good things about. You don't need to use words like anxiety or depression, even if that's what you suspect. “Stressed” or “too much going on” can be an easier way in.

Offer practical help

Listen with an open mind, but don't be afraid to nudge him towards action. That could mean offering to help him find a therapist nearby, or encouraging him to talk to his doctor about his options.

Check back in

Before you wrap up, lock in another catch up. Regular check ins tell him he matters, and that you're not going anywhere.

Helping a friend who won't respond

Sometimes a friend goes quiet altogether, no replies, no answered calls. It makes helping him harder, but if you're worried, it's worth stepping up your efforts. Here's how.

Set a specific time to catch up

Vague plans tend to go nowhere. Give him a clear time you'll call, or a day you'll drop by. Knowing what's coming can make it easier for him to prepare himself for the conversation.

Let him know you're there to listen

Sometimes just repeating that you're there for him is what breaks through. He needs to feel safe and unjudged before he'll really open up.

Tell him you're worried

It's fine to say it straight: “I'm worried about you.” He might be so buried in work or family life that he hasn't clocked how concerned you are.

Help in other ways

If getting him to talk isn't working yet, look for other ways in. Drop off some groceries, or offer to grab his kids from daycare. Small, practical gestures show you're thinking of him and willing to go out of your way.

Ask directly

If you're worried he might be thinking about suicide, ask him directly. Research shows that asking someone if they're considering suicide doesn't plant the idea or push them towards it. It could be the question that saves his life. It's a hard thing to ask, but sometimes the hard conversations are the ones that keep our friends safe.

If he's still not responding, consider reaching out to someone else in his life, like a family member, his doctor, or a mental health crisis service.

Friendship is powerful

Good friends are hard to come by. They keep us grounded, help us see things clearly, back us through the hard stuff, and rip into us for a bad haircut when we need it.

Mental health struggles can make us want to hide away from exactly the people who'd help us most. But friendship is often what pulls people out of a rut.

If your friend is intent on isolating himself, remember that's part of what he's going through. People who are doing it tough can act differently to how they normally would. Don't take it personally, and don't give up on him.

A few more things worth remembering

• A small gesture goes a long way. A quick text or a voice memo might be all it takes to get him talking again.
• Regular check ins matter. Whether it's a jog, brunch, a gaming session or a random message, it shows he's still on your mind.
• You're a sounding board, not a therapist. You don't need to solve his problems. Just listen, acknowledge how he's feeling, and encourage him to get help if he needs it.

If you think your friend might be dealing with depression or anxiety, know that refusing to accept his withdrawal is already a huge support. Showing up, without judgement, matters more than you know. Over time, alongside some professional support, you'll hopefully see him find his way back to feeling like himself again.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.