How to Check In With a Friend

Here's the truth: every one of us needs someone who checks in from time to time. Someone who actually wants the real answer, not the automatic one. Knowing that isn't the hard part. Knowing when and how to do it, that's where most of us get stuck.

This is your guide to checking in on a friend properly, without it turning into a big, awkward thing.

When to check in

There's no wrong time to check in on someone. But a few situations are worth extra attention.

Your friend is going through it. A breakup, losing a job, a sick parent, whatever it is, don't wait for them to ask for help. Reach out first.

You've noticed the signs. Increased irritability, pulling away from things they used to enjoy, drinking more, sleeping less, any mention of not wanting to be here. If you spot it, say something.

You haven't heard from them in a while. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe you've both just been flat out. Or maybe there's something going on and they don't know how to bring it up. Whatever the reason, a text or a call could be exactly what they need right now.

No reason at all. You don't need an excuse to check in on someone you care about.

How to check in

Checking in doesn't have to be clunky or forced. Here's how to keep it natural, for both of you.

Read the room

Notice how they respond when you reach out. Are they keen to talk, or holding back?

If they're not up for it, don't push. Let them know you're around whenever they're ready, and ask if there's a better time to chat.

If they are up for it, suggest talking in person where you can. Conversations tend to flow easier over a coffee, a meal, or while you're doing something else together, a walk, a round of golf, whatever suits you both. When you do sit down, put the phone away and give them your full attention.

Start small

You don't need a big sit down chat right out of the gate. A quick text can be a better opener than a phone call or a knock on the door, especially if that's more their style.

Keep the stakes low

Try not to lead with anything too heavy. Skip lines like “I've been really worried about you,” even if that's true. Instead, mention something that made you think of them, a show you've both been watching, something that happened at work, anything that starts the conversation without the pressure.

You don't need a reason to reach out either. “Been thinking about you, how's it going?” works just fine.

Ask questions that need more than a one word response

“You good?” invites a one word answer. Try something with a bit more room to move, like:

• How have you been feeling lately?
• What's been on your mind?
• How's work been treating you?
• What have you been up to?
• What's helping you unwind these days?

If you've noticed a change in them, bring it up gently and without judgement.

Be willing to go first

Share something you've been dealing with yourself. It can make it easier for your friend to open up, and honestly, you might need the check in as much as they do.

Know when to listen and when to offer advice

Your main job is to listen. Sometimes your mate just needs to get something off their chest, not fix it. Ask before you jump in with advice: “I've got a couple of thoughts on this, want to hear them?”

Don't forget to follow up

Checking in isn't a one off. Set a reminder to reach out again the following week so it doesn't slip your mind.

If your friend has opened up about anxiety or stress, send a message every so often to let them know you're thinking of them. Check they're sleeping alright, eating alright, getting outside. Small things, asked from a place of care rather than judgement.

Practical help goes a long way too. Grab something for them next time you're at the shops. Drop off their favourite takeaway. It doesn't have to be a big gesture to make a difference.

Checking in will probably feel a bit awkward the first few times. That's normal. Done at the right time, in the right way, it's one of the best things you can do for the people you care about.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.