How to Help a Dad showing signs of depression

Keeping on top of the washing suddenly matters more than it ever did, while finding an hour to himself starts to feel like a luxury he can't afford.

Self-care and mental health tend to slip down the list just as the pressures pile up: nappies, bath time, meal planning, screen time limits. It's a tough combination, and it's little wonder so many dads struggle. Around the world, as many as one in ten men experience depression after the birth of a baby.

How to Ask a Dad If He's Okay

Don't ask, “How are you?” Chances are he'll say “good” without even thinking about it. We all do.

But is he actually good?

That's the first thing to work out if you think a mate might not be okay. Instead of the usual “how are you”, try starting the conversation a different way.

Ways to Start the Conversation

• “What's the toughest part of being a dad so far?”
• “What have your days looked like lately?”
• “Want to talk about how you've been coping?”

Open questions like these show you're genuinely interested in his life, and they give him room to talk about what's really going on. You could also try something more observational, like, “You've seemed a bit down lately. Everything okay?” It shows him you've noticed, and that you care, and may encourage them to open up about bigger issues.

Pick the Right Moment

A proper sit-down conversation usually works better than a quick, offhand chat. Suggest a time that suits him, and steer clear of the evenings. Chances are his house is chaos by then. Think about where he'll feel comfortable and have his full attention, maybe over lunch near his work.

Keep in mind, everyone goes through rough patches. If your mate isn't okay right now, that doesn't automatically mean he has depression.

Know the Signs of Depression in Men

Knowing what to look for can help you work out whether a mate is dealing with depression. Signs to watch for include:

• Physical changes, such as tiredness, weight changes or trouble sleeping.
• Changes in mood, such as feeling sad, anxious, guilty, angry, withdrawn, or unable to enjoy things he normally would.
• Changes in thinking, such as trouble focusing or remembering things, struggling to make decisions, feeling overwhelmed, or thoughts of death or suicide.
• Changes in behaviour, such as losing interest in sex, pulling away from family and friends, or using drugs or alcohol to cope.

If any of these signs stick around for more than two weeks, it could point to depression.

So what can you actually do if you think a mate is dealing with it?

How to Talk to a friend About Depression

Talking about mental health can feel awkward, but it matters. You don't need to offer a diagnosis (and you shouldn't try). Just let your mate know:

• You're concerned.
• You're there for him.
• Help is out there.

Simple as that. You might not even use the word ‘depression’ in the conversation. Here are a couple of ways to bring it up naturally.

Share Your Own Experience

Talking about your own mental health can take the pressure off your mate and make it feel more normal to open up. Plenty of people still feel a sense of shame around mental health, so he might be hesitant to talk.

Ask, “Have You Spoken to Anyone About This?”

This is a good question once he starts opening up. It'll give you a sense of whether he's thought about seeing a therapist. It might not have crossed his mind, or he might think his situation isn't ‘bad enough’ to see someone.

If he's reluctant to get help, try thinking through some practical ways together that he could ease the pressure and look after his mental health.

Talk About Work Life Balance

People deal with depression differently. Some dads throw themselves into work and risk burning out. Others pull away from friends, family and the things they used to enjoy. Work life balance is hard to get right for any dad, and even harder for one dealing with depression.

Here are a few areas worth talking through with your friend:

• Work. Has he got too much on his plate? Are his hours sustainable? Is he happy at work?
• Family. Is he getting quality time with his kids? It matters for the relationship, and for the kids' development too.
• Relationship. Is he getting time alone with his partner? Are they handling disagreements in a healthy way?
• Self-care. Is he getting any time to himself? Is he eating well, staying active, and doing things he enjoys? Is he putting off doctor's appointments he needs?

You don't need to solve anything for him. Ask questions and let him work through his own answers.

Encouraging a Man to Get Help

Helping someone who doesn't want help is hard. Try not to be pushy or tell him what to do; nobody responds well to that. Sometimes it's enough to mention that you, or someone you know, has had a good experience seeing a therapist. Make it sound normal, because it is.

If you're worried he might be having thoughts of suicide, don't dance around it. Ask him directly if he's thinking about hurting himself. If he says yes, help him find professional support, or contact a mental health service yourself. Research shows that asking someone directly about suicide doesn't put the idea in their head or push them towards it. It might be the question that saves his life.

If you believe someone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number or take them to the nearest emergency department. Stay with them. This is one situation where you don't wait, and you don't handle it alone.

When it comes to dads, there are usually kids in the mix too. Check in with the wider family and see if there's a practical way you can help, whether that's watching the kids for an afternoon or lending a hand around the house. Taking your mate out to do something he enjoys can also help him feel like himself again.

Being a dad is hard work, and new fathers need all the support they can get. Struggling is completely normal. What matters is being there when things start to feel like too much. If that sounds like someone you know, reach out, start the conversation, and help him get the support he needs.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.