This November would be my brother’s birthday. He should be turning 38 years old. Too many men are ‘toughing it out,’ keeping their feelings to themselves, and struggling in silence. Movember aims to reduce the rate of male suicide by 25% by 2030, and I want to help them get there. Help me stop men dying too young like my brother. Boys don’t cry, but men do. It is time to break the stigma of male emotions.
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On 12 July 2015, my brother, Ryan, pulled out a loaded gun, put it to his skull, and squeezed the trigger. One bullet with an explosion of powder behind it ejected from the barrel. It blasted through a temporal bone into his brain. I like to think that he didn’t feel pain as he fell, bled, and drew in his last breath. I want to believe the pain left him as he drifted away to turn to dust.

I received the phone call from my father that evening, not too long after Ryan was forced into death. I say “forced” as he suffered from many problems, including anxiety disorder, non-combat-related PTSD, addiction, and depression. The mental illness and subsequent life-changing and ending decisions to escape the painful world he found himself in are the forces that took his life. The specific choices are pointless really to discuss. Mental illness is a severe problem for many and proved fatal for Ryan.

There is so much stigma concerning the disease that plagued him and his actions to end his life. I do not wish to make this about the gun or the bullet that destroyed his brain. This is about the years since that I have spent wondering about the what-ifs. Yes, I have thought about the what-if I was a better brother scenario or what-if I could’ve called him or what-if when he was staying with me a few months previous to his death, I talked to him more about who I am or what-if I helped him get a job with my employer or what-if when he came to me years ago asking about his education I guided him differently.

People say it was his decision. He chose to pull the trigger. He decided to do the many other “stupid” things he had done for years. But I do not think it was his decision. Mental disease is severe. After a year of looking at different aspects of the illness and trying desperately to understand all my what-ifs, I believe the disease killed him. Some things in life aren’t a choice. No one goes out to make a choice to be born into this family or that family. No one decides to be attracted to this person or that person. No one chooses their intelligence quotient. Likewise, no one chooses a significant health illness like cancer or mental disease.

We can quickly judge the homeless woman on the street corner with a twitch while mumbling to herself. We feel she somehow decided to be homeless with a possible mental illness. We can also quickly hide our mental illness, a secret to even those we love. We are conditioned to fear the unknown, and mental illness has, for a long time, been something we have kept hidden. We see the relics of the sanitariums in horror movies and on television. Those were real places, and some are still around, although they look different. We use the prison system also to make nuisances disappear. Things are getting better, but there is still a significant stigma on those struggling with mental disease. There are many services available, and it is okay to receive help. It isn’t “sexy” to discuss on television or show in the movies.

One of the essential things I am determined to continue is to be honest with anyone that asks me about how Ryan died. Hiding it only perpetuates the stigma. We get so sad when famous people kill themselves, but for only a brief instant. We never keep it in our minds. The truth about this is that you know someone struggling right now. You may not have any clue. They could be smiling at you as you pass them in the office. They could be sleeping right next to you. These people’s smiles may look as genuine as ever, but behind them is a dark world. We all get down, but many pickup and move on. Many, however, get stuck.

For Ryan, I hope we all understand that we can get help and we can all give support. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety or feel stuck, seek help. If you believe you are okay, continue every moment cherishing what is in front of you and those around you. If you know someone that might need a “pick-me-up,” then offer it. Smiling and saying “hello” do so much for people. Do it.

I hope we can help break the stigma of mental disease, addiction, and suicide.